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The Greatest Snowman
The Greatest Snowman is the first episode of the third series of Sweet Sow. Script Hitchhiker: Welcome to the 2018 Sweet Sow Christmas special. I’m your ho- Voice: (offscreen) Continue or else... Hitchhiker: Yes sir. I'm your host, Fred Figglehorn. And- Dan: Excuse me, but please make sure this episode contains a lot of foot humor compared to the first two series. Hitchhiker: No thanks. Mummy Pig: Hey host person! You are the biggest Pippi Longstocking fan out there! Hitchhiker: (singing in Geckel Homus's voice) Horrid heart and graphic high. Mummy Pig: Don't you dare tell me our show is getting canceled. (Geckel Homus flies out of the hitchhiker's spirit.) Geckel Homus: From now on, I am the executive producer of Sweet Sow. Hitchhiker: Please fuck off. I’m the host of this special. Geckel Homus: You can still be the host, but I'm under control of the rest of the show. Peppa: I’m actually the one who controls the show. Geckel Homus: No, you aren't. Agusti Chairdonai: No, it's me. Peppa is too young to be the executive producer. Peppa: WAH! Dan: I thought I was the producer. Geckel Homus: Well, you're fired. Dan: YOU SHALL NOT FIRE DAN SCHNEIDER! Look what you made me do. (Dan’s feet start growing.) Geckel Homus: Let's move on, shall we? Voice: (offscreen) You’re a mean one, Mr. Paul. A Chihuahua furry: Fuck you bitch! I have stinky farts. Geckel Homus: Let's move on, shall we? Voice: (offscreen) You’re a mean one, Mr. Paul. A Chihuahua furry: Fuck you bitch! I have stinky farts. Geckel Homus: Let's move on, shall we? Voice: (offscreen) You’re a mean one, Mr. Paul. A Chihuahua furry: Fuck you bitch! I have stinky farts. Geckel Homus: Let's move on, shall we? Voice: (offscreen) You’re a mean one, Mr.- Geckel Homus: Move on to the goddamn episode or else Sweet Sow is canceled. A Chihuahua furry: Poor Prince Mason... Geckel Homus: Move on to the goddamn episode or else Sweet Sow is canceled. A Chihuahua furry: Poor Prince Mason... Geckel Homus: Move on to the goddamn episode or else Sweet Sow is canceled. A Chihuahua furry: Poor Prince Mason... Geckel Homus: Move on to the goddamn episode or else Sweet Sow is canceled. A Chihuahua furry: Poor Prince Mason... Geckel Homus: Move on to the goddamn episode or else Sweet Sow is canceled. A Chihuahua furry: Poor Prince Mason... Mason: Chet yo asses up cause I’m Santa. Ho ho ho bitches! Agusti Chairdonai: You're not the real Mason. Dan: Let’s watch The Eediots Christmas Special from 1966. Agusti Chairdonai: You're not the real Mason. Dan: Let’s watch The Eediots Christmas Special from 1966. Agusti Chairdonai: You're not the real Mason. Dan: Let’s watch The Eediots Christmas Special from 1966. (Mason transforms into Charles Manson.) Charles Manson: Surprise bitches! Voice: (offscreen) You’re a mean one, Mr. Manson. Hitchhiker: And now, enjoy the show. Mummy Pig: Uncle Goat is 3,046 years old. Hitchhiker: And now, enjoy the show. Mummy Pig: Uncle Goat is 3,046 years old. Hitchhiker: And now, enjoy the show. Mummy Pig: Uncle Goat is 3,046 years old. Hitchhiker: And now, enjoy the show. Teo Tiger: Ciao! Mummy Pig: How am I supposed to chow down on this shit? Also I don’t speak Turkish, so- Hitchhiker: Enjoy the show. Terrible TV Shows Wiki: (offscreen) Sweet Sow is a terrible TV show. Why it sucks! Number on- Mummy Pig: I'm sorry, but you're wrong. Terrible TV Shows Wiki: No you’re wrong! Mummy Pig: No, you're wrong. Hitchhiker: Enjoy the show. Santa Claus: Ho ho ho! I hope that Terrible TV Shows Wiki goes to hell and never comes back. Hitchhiker: Enjoy the show. Santa Claus: Ho ho ho! I hope that Terrible TV Shows Wiki goes to hell and never comes back. Hitchhiker: Enjoy the show. Santa Claus: Ho ho ho! I hope that Terrible TV Shows Wiki goes to hell and never comes back. Hitchhiker: Enjoy the show. Santa Claus: Ho ho ho! I hope that Terrible TV Shows Wiki goes to hell and never comes back. Hitchhiker: Enjoy the show. Geckel Homus: Stop repeating and get to the point, or else Sweet Sow is canceled and you will be executed. Angry viewer: I agree. It’s very lazy and annoying. Hitchhiker: Oh shit! Better start the episode now. Peppa: GECKEL IS IN HELL! Geckel Homus: You'll be in Hell if you keep mucking around. Peppa: Don’t you mean fucking around? Geckel Homus: Don't jump on that juice, young girl. Peppa: Where? (Geckel morphs into Josh Madens.) Peppa: I HATE YOU! Josh Madens: Don't jump on it or you'll be in big trouble. Hitchhiker: The Greatest Snowman shall now begin. (Title card.) (Mummy Pig, Peppa, and the hitchhiker are at a Krockicamese airport.) Mummy Pig: Hey bitches, we’re spending Christmas in Japan! Hitchhiker: At least no more Dan Schneider. Voice: Everyone Needs to Get Excited About Captain Marvel’s Cat. Hitchhiker: How about you're a twat. Dan: FEET! Hitchhiker: My day was ruined because of this. Dan: No? Hitchhiker: Luckily, Pamela didn’t bring his passport or buy an extra ticket. Mummy Pig: Unfortunately, I bought a plane ticket for Dan. Hitchhiker: Shitch. (The hitchhiker splits apart, revealing his old self.) Hitchhiker: Hey, it's Fred! Mummy Pig: I HATE YOU! (Mummy Pig stabs the hitchhiker twenty-three times.) Hitchhiker: (singing) I don’t have a wooden heart. Mummy Pig: I think the hitchhiker's possessed. Peppa: Yeah, possessed by Elvis Presley. Hitchhiker: What do you mean I'm possessed? Elvis Presley: (offscreen) It won’t be the same dear if you’re not here. Hitchhiker: What do you mean I'm possessed? Elvis Presley: (offscreen) It won’t be the same dear if you’re not here. Hitchhiker: What do you mean I'm possessed? Elvis Presley: (offscreen) It won’t be the same dear if you’re not here. Hitchhiker: What do you mean I- Peppa: Dear child, we must go to Japan and seek Elvisina now. Mummy Pig: Peppa, continue acting like Marvey and you're grounded for life. Peppa: My lonely daughter, I shall teleport us, possessed by Elvis and foot fetish to Japan. Now... Mummy Pig: That does it! You are so grounded grounded grounded for life. Peppa: No... Mummy Pig: You're not the boss of me. (Peppa, Mummy Pig, the Hitchhiker and Dan Schneider are teleported to Tokyo, Japan.) Mummy Pig: Marvey? Come down here now. Marvey: (offscreen) Ho... Elvis Presley: I’ll have a blue Christmas without you Pamela. Mummy Pig: Okay, but I don't give a shit. (Marvey floats down.) Marvey: Marvey Harvey, Harvey Marvey. Peppa: Mummy, can we have KFC? Mummy Pig: We have to preorder it, so no. Mummy Pig: Marvey, what did you do to my daughter? Marvey: My sincere Pamela, I’ve took possession of her. Mummy Pig: Un-possess her or you're fucking dead. Marvey: I love you. Mummy Pig: Do it right now or I'll kill you. Marvey: No as I must need Elvis and Santa. Mummy Pig: Do you think I give a shit? Marvey: Yes, my daughter Pamela Mummy Pig: FUCKING SHUT UP! Marvey: Never, my dear child. Mummy Pig: Boy, I outta strang- (Before Mummy Pig even finishes her sentence, Marvey begins to levitate.) Mummy Pig: I hope you go to hell Marvey! Marvey: Lovely spirits go to paradise, my dear daughter Pamela. Mummy Pig: GECKEL! Just come god damn back! I fucking need you! (Out of nowhere, Geckel Homus appears.) Geckel Homus: I'm back, everyone. Peppa: Frankly my dear, I don’t- Geckel Homus: You should care, Peppa, because it's time to kill off Marvey. Hitchhiker: Pick me! I wanna shoot Marvey! Geckel Homus: Sure, go for it. Marvey: No, my dear son. Ignacio. Hitchhiker: Not so fast. Marvey: Shillé, child, for you must be frozeen. Hitchhiker: EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! Marvey: No more envision, child. (After a short pause, the hitchhiker shoots Marvey and he starts to shrink.) Marvey: I shall be gone with the wind and ascend further into nonexistence. Farewell, fair child. (disappears) Hitchhiker: Good sho- (freezes) Elvis: (offscreen) Unfreeze him or else... Peppa: NO! My father... Mummy Pig: I despised him anyway. Hitchhiker: Well fuck you! Also, this is a prerecorded message. Elvis: Well we should go to the greatest snowman. Peppa: Hey mummy, do you have a transvestite fetish? Mummy Pig: No, even though I'm a transvestite myself. Peppa: So you’re a man. Mummy Pig: Yes. I've been hiding it for ages, and I never told it to your father. Peppa: I always knew something was fishy about you. Geckel Homus: Jimmy Savile better not appear in this, or else you know what happens. Voice: (offscreen) A Fix With The Sontarans. Geckel Homus: Nope! Terrible TV Shows Wiki: (offscreen) Why Sweet Sow sucks. Number one, Mummy Pig is abusive to her daugh- (Mummy Pig shoots lasers from her eyes to the Terrible TV Shows Wiki.) Mummy Pig: Let’s have an iCarly party! Elvisina: I like that idea! I’m Elvisina by the way. Marvey: (offscreen) No, children. Mummy Pig: How the fuck are you still alive, Marvey? Marvey: (offscreen) Divine brings, my daughter. Agusti Chairdonai: Kill him again. Marvey: (offscreen) Sleep, my sons. Geckel Homus: I'll do the job once more. (starts running out) I began to shark in. (Geckel stabs Marvey repeatedly.) Marvey: Humor and my fair child. (dies) Elvisina: Burn in hell, Marvey. Mummy Pig: Now that he's no more, let's celebrate by having an iCarly party. Geckel Homus: You can do that after this episode is over. Mummy Pig: But an iCarly party sounds so swell! Geckel Homus: I'm sorry, but that's for later. Mummy Pig: The doctors are more concerned about this concussion. Peppa: I'm gonna explore the city, so you can have some woman time to yourself, mummy! Mummy Pig: I'm actually a man. Remember what I told you? Peppa: I forgot about that. Mummy Pig: By the way, you have to stay with me or else. Peppa: No thanks. I’m gonna explore the city. Mummy Pig: Don't start an argument and stay with me. (Suddenly, Peppa disappears.) Mummy Pig: (male voice) It gets hot across the highways. Elvisina: We should have our iCarly party now. Geckel Homus: Not now, children. Mummy Pig: Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn. Geckel Homus: Sleep, my good Pamela. Mummy Pig: If you act like Marvey, I will fucking strangle you. Understand? Geckel Homus: My son. Marvey had spirited away his soul to me, for he is remains legacy. Now, you must sleep and give in to me, shall I am your father to be. Mummy Pig: Fucking hypocrite. Geckel Homus: Shillé, my son! (Mummy Pig attempts to kill Geckel by shooting lasers out his eyes, even though he is immortal.) Geckel Homus: Panjendar Sombrarero, not Pamela Pig, is a sex offender. Mummy Pig: That's bullshit, and you're supposed to be dead. Voice: Wrong. Ham Pig is not related to you, but he’s a pedophile. Agusti Chairdonai: Excuse me Geckel, but do you have a foot fetish like Marvey? If you do, then I'm breaking up with you and you're gonna end up in prison. Geckel Homus: (singing) Turn on feet illusion. Makes it cool. Jingles time- Agusti Chairdonai: I'm not being funny, it's serious. Geckel Homus: Sleep, my great Agusti. Agusti Chairdonai: Well I’m breaking up with you. Geckel Homus: Sleep. (A blue gas flows out of Geckel's hands.) Agusti Chairdonai: I hate you, Marvey 2: Electric Boogaloo! Geckel Homus: Shillé, and give in to my fatherhood. Agusti Chairdonai: Yes, master. (falls asleep) Geckel Homus: Goodnight sweet prince. (Everyone except Mummy Pig vanishes.) Mummy Pig: (male voice in Krockian accent) Where in the living faggot is Peppa? I need to check on her. Peppa: You’re not my real mummy! I want my- Mummy Pig: I'm actually your father. Peppa: Who’s my real mummy then? Mummy Pig: Casual sex in electro- Peppa: No I’m serious. Mummy Pig: Don’t be a jerk, it’s Christmas! Peppa: I don't believe in Father Christmas, so I never wanted to stay here. Mummy Pig: Then we shall end this episode on a cliffhanger. Voice: (imitating Marvey) Not so fast, son. It's too short to end here. Mummy Pig: It’s just filler at this point. Voice: (singing) Il fatto quotidiano allegria... Mummy Pig: I'll kick you in the faggot if you decide to sing in a language that's not Krockian, Marvey wannabe. It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. (Mummy Pig stretches out her arms to pull the Marvey impersonator into the scene.) Marvey Impersonator: Panjendar, my fair son... Mummy Pig: Well go fuck yourself. Marvey Impersonator: Sleep, my son. Follow you into your dreams for I, the reincarnation of Marvey Harvey. Mummy Pig: Shut up! Series 3 will be the last good one as on- Marvey Impersonator: Sleep... (Mummy Pig kills the Marvey impersonator with her eyes.) Mummy Pig: As I was saying, series three will be the la- (Before Mummy Pig finishes her sentence, the hitchhiker appears.) Hitchhiker: My son, I must you do me a favor. Mummy Pig: I have a penis, you know that right? Hitchhiker: Reluctancing, but you shall do something to make up this episode's plot. I shall dub it, the Downtown, andwithery I have possessed the soul of Marvey, passed from Geck- Mummy Pig: Excuse me? Hitchhiker: Shillé and listen to- Mummy Pig: What the fuck are you talking about? Hitchhiker: It is must your destiny to stay at a hotel. Mummy Pig: As long as you quit talking like that Marvey cunt, I will do it. Hitchhiker: Frankly, son, you must shillé from your pro... Mummy Pig: CHRISTIAN. WESTON. Hitchhiker: ...sleep. Mummy Pig: Well I'm staying at a hotel for the night, so fuckity-bye! Hitchhiker: It puts the lotion in the basket, my good Panjendar. Oreo-And-Eeyore: Hai der doggo. Hitchhiker: My son, you must realize there is a dog pointing at us. George Quarlin: Yesterday my computer started acting really slutty. I know you're a PC repairman, Fred, so. Oh shi- (A statue of CWC mass-debates the hitchhiker, OAE, and George. Mummy Pig is shown flying in the sky to a distant hotel.) Mummy Pig: I'm glad I escaped from those idiots. Voice: Hit or miss, I guess they never miss, huh. Mummy Pig: IF I HEAR THAT GOD-FORSAKEN SONG ONE MORE TIME. Voice: Hi everyone, my name's Majira- Mummy Pig: NOBODY FUCKING CARES, YOU F*****G FURF*G! Voice: Wah! Mummy Pig: Why the f**k can't I say f**k uncensored? Geckel Homus: (offscreen) You'll end up killing 80% of furries on Earth. Mummy Pig: F**k you! Voice: Fred The Hitchhiker & The Nature Gang only had 5 seasons, not 10. So I'll block you for that! Hitchhiker: (offscreen) Sleep, my good son. Voice: I said you are blocked for a week for inserting false information to my fictional show. Hitchhiker: (offscreen) Sleep... Voice: NO! Do you want to be blocked permanently or what? (A loud cracking noise is heard.) Voice: BALLS! Hitchhiker: (offscreen) Now go to sleep, my dear son. Voice: Yes, master. Geckel Homus: (offscreen) Excuse me, Pamela? This is actually another place named Tokyo, which is a city in Jicama. Mummy Pig: WRONG! Why does Tokyo, Jicama look like Tokyo, Japan? Well, this is Tokyo, Japan not Jicama. Geckel Homus: (offscreen) That's just how it is. Not to mention the airport you went to can only travel through the iSally Islands. Mummy Pig: No wonder I was too stupid to notice. (Mummy Pig gets eaten by a giant furry, then flies out of him.) Hitchhiker: (offscreen) Vore, my dear child. Mummy Pig: You're not my father, alright? Besides, stop telling me to sleep even though it's early. Hitchhiker: My dear Pamela, the spirit of Marvey bes within yourself. Mummy Pig: LIES! Hitchhiker: Ignacio... Bertram Winkle: May I sing Pamela a song, my dearest hitchhiker? Hitchhiker: How about no. (Mummy Pig gets trapped inside a boomerang. It cracks open, causing blood to come out of him.) Hitchhiker: Poor transvestite, poor child. (Sounds of hyenas in the background.) Voice: You need to shut! The f***! Down! (The screen blacks out with a message reading "It is now safe to turn off your computer".) (The camera shows Marvey (who happens to be alive) with Toby J. Rathjen in the darkness.) Toby: I'm gay UwU. Marvey: Ignacio, my dearest son, I am disappoint. Toby: I'm a monkey! Marvey: Sleep, my son. Timothy Stanton: Marvey Harvey has a shippy shippy shippy day, and that's it! (Timothy gets crushed by a giant Marvey.) Marvey: Macro, my child. (Geckel Homus appears behind Marvey, floating.) Geckel Homus: (singing) Horrid heart and graphic high. Marvey: Lovely Geckel, but Tara is our closest android. Geckel Homus: It's time to cancel this episode. Marvey: But lovely child, we shall continue since we mustn't cancel! Geckel Homus: Due to furry-related fetishes. (Geckel gets eaten by the same giant furry from before.) Marvey: Vore, dear Geckel. Voice: Creedence Clearwater Re- (Marvey gets crushed by an even bigger furry. The camera shows Mummy Pig, Peppa, and Fred, who are now in Tokyo, Japan.) Geckel Homus: (offscreen) Action! Mummy Pig: Peppa, let's go out to a restuarant. Geckel Homus: (offscreen) Excuse me, but that line was too cheesy. Mummy Pig: Does it look like I give a shit? Geckel Homus: (offscreen) And you explain that to me again. (holds the script up) And again. Mummy Pig: I'd rather work with Mister Potato. At least he isn't a control freak like you. Geckel Homus: (offscreen) What did you just call me? Mummy Pig: You force me to do shit that I refuse to- (Geckel runs into the scene and starts to electrocute Mummy Pig to death using his fingers.) Geckel Homus: (sings) Horrid heart and graphic high. How divine, come home Joan. (stops singing) That bitch is dead. Who should replace her? I got it! Dan Schneider. (Dan appears dressed like Mummy Pig.) Dan: In my role as Mummy Pig, should I do my typical foot humor or what? Geckel Homus: NOPE! Dan: Fine. Geckel Homus: Peppa gets replaced by a furry named Ignacio. (Toby J. Rathjen appears in his fursuit.) Toby: I'm not a monkey, I swear! Geckel Homus: Yes you are! Toby: God dammit. Geckel Homus: And the hitchhiker? (Nobody playing the hitchhiker shows up. Peppa and the hitchhiker fall down as they are cardboard cutouts.) Geckel Homus: Who should play the hitchhiker? Robert Raccoon: Me, I guess? Geckel Homus: Okay, you're hired! Emily Elephant: (offscreen) This show is misogynistic, as all of the main characters are male. Geckel Homus: Please fuck off. Emily Elephant: (offscreen) Wah! Geckel Homus: What was the plot anyway? Dan: Peppa and Mummy Pig were in Japan or something. I'm not sure. Mother named Karen: (offscreen) We at One Million Moms find Sweet Sow to be very blasphemous and very illegal! I hope that it gets cancelled soon! Geckel Homus: Fuck you! Mother named Karen: (offscreen) Muh soginy! Geckel Homus: Listen! This isn't a Christian show! We can do whatever the fuck we want. By the way, there's gonna be a gay furry marriage. I hope you enjoy that Karen. Mother name Karen: (offscreen) We at One Million Moms want Sweet Sow to have traditional va- (Dan shoots lasers out his eyes and kills Karen.) Geckel Homus: That bitch is dead. Dan: Yay. Robert Raccoon: Let's celebrate! Geckel Homus: (sings) What can we do, tonight I'm feeling blue. Robert Raccoon: Do you want to play outside? It's such a lovely day. Geckel Homus: We're already outside, Robert. Hitchhiker: (offscreen) Anybody? Geckel Homus: Who said that? Hitchhiker: (offscreen) Hey, it's Fred! Geckel Homus: Robert, I'm afraid to tell you but you're retired. Robert Raccoon: (inhale) SHIT! Geckel Homus: Don't worry, you can enjoy your retirement. Robert Raccoon: This is no fun, I wanted to play Fred. Geckel Homus: Well fat chance! YOU'RE! FIRRRREEEDDD!! Robert Raccoon: Fuck you, Geckel! (Geckel electrocutes Robert to death, as the hitchhiker returns.) Geckel Homus: Oh great, you're back. Hitchhiker: Hello Geckel. It's been a few minutes. Voice: Fred, open the kitchen windows! Hitchhiker: Where? Voice: No logos talking about- Hitchhiker: Please fuck off! Voice: BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! Hitchhiker: You deserve it! Dan: What about the greatest snowman? Elvisina: (offscreen) I am the greatest snowman. Dan: Hey, aren't you supposed to be a snow-woman? Elvisina: (offscreen) Bullshit! Dan: In that case, what are you then? Trivia *This episode's title is a pun of The Greatest Showman. Category:Sweet Sow episodes Category:Episodes